A sanctuary of peace

Master, bless.

My most precious ones,

today I am feeling better than I have in a while. The world has fallen into a recognizable order and my relief is beyond description. Although my internal organs are still aching because of the relentless stress I have been enduring for weeks, they have begun to function properly again.

This morning I received very loving and supportive emails from Father John and beloved ones in the faith, and I wept.

I think that unity is not entirely possible in this world. There will always be variations, which I believe is good and perfectly compatible with unity, and divisions, fragmentation, which is not quite so good, but I must not let this overcome me.

I have come to see life and spiritual matters in an Orthodox manner, and I must say that it does suit my mind and soul; Orthodoxy makes a great deal of sense to me. My Eastern perspective is also colored by my Western upbringing, and I think that is good, too. Due to a variety of reasons, the Orthodox are divided along ethnic lines, something that I cannot fully understand; some can view the West condescendingly, which I find both utterly unacceptable and maddening.

Despite all this, I am Orthodox. I shall ignore the bickering and scandals. I believe that differences will be healed in time, and that the American Orthodox Church will recover from its turmoil and leadership problems. Scandal does not upset me nearly as much as division; the former is unsurprising, the latter is an unfortunate fact that I shall have to shield my heart from and learn to cope with when it arises.

I love Catholic spirituality. People like Henri Nouwen and Thomas Merton will always be a source of wisdom; they are admirable men of faith. I love Carthusian monks. There are, it must be said, certain aspects of Catholic dogma that... bewilder me. I have tried to comprehend things like mortal sin and merits and natural law and my brain repeats the following:

does not compute, does not compute, does not compute

I also think that the hierarchical structure can be, just a bit, at times... slightly, um, forceful, but you know, in a well-intentioned way (I truly mean no offense!).

I do not think it is wrong to go about things differently -not at all- but where variations occur, they should be respected in a mutually loving way. That is how I see it. There are times when agreement is not possible... But such is life. It is one of those things... In the next world, we shall understand.

Every human heart is precious and beautiful. To me, any other notion is simply unbearable and untrue. I shall do as Merton did, and transcend division in my heart. I want to be at peace with everyone.

[pause]

I interrupted my ramblings for a moment because my better half and I just shared a marvelous feast: meat stuffed pasta, warm bread, fresh salad, red wine... Oh, goodness. That was good. I was very much in the mood for a feast... Actually, when we went to get the wine, I also bought a bottle of Vodka to celebrate how happy I have been feeling today.

I am feeling so relieved and relaxed and thankful that language fails me. My better half is relieved too. He saw me suffer and could not do much other than support me as I figured things out... I am infinitely grateful to God for having given me such a caring husband.

I am going to put a cheerful DVD and have a nap.

Thank you, most beloved, for being who you are. I love you exactly as you are and would not change you for anything. May Love embrace us all.

Your devoted
Logospigrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

Most beloved,

I wanted to thank you for your patience as I have struggled lately... This has been my dark night of the soul. I hope I did not distress you.

I am feeling better. The legacy of one's past can cause pain sometimes... Even though there has been division and conflicts, the thought of returning to my church has eased the flow of my tears.

After all this, I am going to need a period of recuperation. As we say around here, je viens de passer un mauvais quart d'heure.

Master, heal my heart.

I must confess that the past few weeks have been the worst of my life... very intense. But my faith will be stronger for it. The Lord watches over all of us; He has a plan for all of us...

If I may borrow from Vulcan philosophy, Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

God bless you always and forever.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My dearest ones,

here is the situation. I do not think I can leave the Orthodox Church. I love the East and the West; I love Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I love Protestantism, too. I love Thomas Merton and St. John of Kronstadt and Philip Yancey. I know that there are difficulties and problems everywhere... Although I do agree with the Orthodox theologian Olivier Clément about the Pope, and believe that everyone can be reconciled, I do not know, alas, if I shall live to see it.

I have been crying for some time. I am having something like a nervous collapse.

The Orthodox Church in America has been going through upheavals, and that has been hard... Very hard. The East and the West are at odds with each other and do not see eye to eye as far as certain doctrinal matters are concerned. Perhaps it is the human condition... I shall have to embody unity from where I am, as far as possible... I cannot leave my home. My heart is... more Orthodox than I realized... despite the fact that I am a Christian first of all.

I suppose that I shall have to learn to live with the fact that peace and stability are elusive in this world.

I have written to Father John and other loved ones in the faith. I think I am going to go to Vespers on wednesday.

Tonight I am going to rest. I am going to watch cheerful things on television.

Your devoted, distraught peacemaker
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My most precious ones,

I have been reading Henri Nouwen. In The inner voice of love, he wrote

God is faithful to God's promises. Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave... There is nothing to hold on to but this promise. Everything else has been taken away from you. Cling to that naked promise in faith. Your faith will heal you.

He also wrote,

You have to let your father and father figures go.

Right now, I know that when I am sitting inside St. Patrick's, I feel at peace. It is enough. I have got to stop tormenting myself. I have been battling fear and uncertainty, much of which is formless and nonsensical. It stems from the pain of loss, I think...

I shall continue as I have, groping in the dark, believing in Christ and in His love for all mankind, holding fast to the ecumenical spirit. I believe that there is much we do not understand... There is suffering everywhere.

I embrace the monastic approach and reject turmoil; heavens knows there is already an abundant and needless supply of it in this imperfect world. I shall do the best I can, quietly. Lovingly, gently, softly. I need prayer, heavenly nourishment, a measure of tranquility and conciliation... I can no longer bear arguments. No matter where I look, it seems people are arguing about one thing or another... It is threatening my emotional health. I shall read Nouwen and Merton and peaceful texts.

I need a little island of peace, where I can be with the Lord. That is all I ask... I can see, more than ever, that this island is mostly found within. But a silent church, that is a great blessing.

Ah, goodness... It felt good to write this. I have been suffering, but it will ease in time. I am experiencing more frequent periods of calm as the days go by.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My dearest ones,

happiness is watching a documentary about a colossal squid. And munching on honey dijon chips.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My deeply cherished ones,

this afternoon, it occurred to me that the affliction must be near.

No surprise: it is. In a few days. Excellent timing, as always. Ah, well...

I spent part of the day feeling peaceful, and then I was grew troubled and started to cry. But, Henri J.M. Nouwen has come to the rescue, God bless the man. I am going to read The inner voice of love: a journey through anguish to freedom and Turn my mourning into dancing: finding hope in hard times. I have a number of his books in my library, and ordered six more.

I am going to watch cartoons. I think I need to rest for a while. God bless you for your love. I shall be all right; I am still adjusting, and in the evening, I am more tired.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My dearest ones,

I just ate a nice egg with toast and a bowl of fresh raspberries. That was lovely...

I am tired but grateful.

I am also feeling reclusive, even more than usual. This world is utterly exhausting. Its ceaseless conflicts, its anger, its excesses, its noise, its nihilism are soul-destroying... I want as little to do with it as possible. My faith, the one thing needful, is my sole refuge.

What is real, other than Christ? I cannot think of anything.

Elections in two days. I am practicing political abstinence.

Do I want to write more books about Snape? Do I have the strength to travel again? I no longer know. I am very tired. Perhaps my work is done as far as such things are concerned... I may well have said enough already. I feel that I am being led in another direction.

I love to write here. That I know.

I think of Thomas Merton's book Dialogues with silence and would like to write along the same lines, slowly. Very slowly.

For now, I daresay I need a nap...

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My most precious ones,

this morning, I rose early and went to Mass at eight o'clock. I felt quite certain that everything would be rather quiet at that hour. Thank heaven, it was. A fair amount of parishioners were present, but the service was blessedly, divinely quiet: silence punctuated by softly spoken words. I had brought my green chotki, which comforted and calmed me. The Mass and my surroundings calmed me as well...

This past month has been fraught with pain and difficulty, and this week I took mild tranquilizers almost every day; I have been anxious and grieving. But today, as I sat and prayed in the nearly empty church after Mass was over, I knew that I had made the correct decision. It has been for the best.

It was so good, to sit and rest. Indeed my heart was at rest.

Appropriately, and prophetically, the responsorial Psalm had been

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
In verdant pastures he gives me repose;
beside restful waters he leads me;
he refreshes my soul.

He guides me in right paths
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk in the dark valley
I fear no evil; for you are at my side
with your rod and staff
that give me courage.

When it was read, my eyes watered and I felt great peace and renewed joy. What the Master wants is all that matters; it is clear that this is what He wants for me.

At the moment, I think, He is encouraging me to eat something.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My most precious ones,

it is a beautiful fall morning... Nature can be such a sweet blessing. The leaves are golden in the light of the rising sun.

I shall start receiving communion again next friday, God willing; Father Lindsay wanted no delay. It had originally been scheduled on monday, but we both forgot it was Thanksgiving that day.

Once I have resumed attending church and partaking of the Eucharist on a weekly basis, I shall regain my equilibrium.

For the most part, I have been resting, which I think has been wise. Today I shall have lunch with my mother and go to the bank.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

Master, bless.

My most precious ones,

I did not manage to do much of anything this week, but that is all right. I needed the respite. Next week, I shall get back on track. More or less. Tomorrow, I have a meeting with Father Lindsay after Mass; I am quite looking forward to it. I am glad because we are supposed to get sunny and mild weather in the coming days... I have got to clear the garden in preparation for winter.

There have been times when I felt melancholy, but the Lord always consoles me. Mostly, I have felt serenity. Earthly loss is healed by taking refuge in Christ's sacred heart.

It is so lovely outside right now. It is... How can I describe it? Like a prayer. Gazing at the trees and sky is like admiring the stained glass windows of nature, God's holy temple; little birds are perched high on branches that have been stripped bare by the wind. Appropriately enough, one of the books on my (endless) reading list is The prayer of the presence of God by Dom Augustin Guillerand. I love what he wrote in one chapter... That the light of God's love comes "to those who know how to wait."

When I think of the ordeal my better half and I went through two weeks ago, due to his employment that turned out to be a cause of anxiety, I am glad that it happened. The exercise strengthened my trust and served a good purpose. My better half, who had been unsure about his part-time job and had thus sought something that seemed more promising, is now content with his situation and appreciates its positive aspects. The restaurant is not far from home, is well staffed and the menu is simple (they serve a selection of gourmet hamburgers). He will get more hours eventually. We are both feeling rather mellow.

Look, my dearest ones: my Snape bust has become the perfect rosary stand.



I am kissing your cherished hands a thousand times.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor